(This one will be lightly spicey 🔥)
WHAT DO YOU GIVE A FITNESS GAY ON HER BIRTHDAY?
Ok, so look. If you are a tourist in Tokyo you are going to want to do some kind of "tourist" thing right? Something that most locals will either not think to do or not actually do.
Like living in Montreal, are most people going to see Cirque or touring the Old Port more than once a decade? Probably not.
Muscle Girls is similar in that I don't think any of the groups our night were regular Tokyo natives. There were Kiwis (A lot of them actually), Germans, Philipenos, Other Canadians, Americans, etc. (They asked people to call out where they were from.)
But let me tell you, all of us were having a fucking great time and I think based on what I have heard about things like the Robot Cafés and Maid Cafés... This is where it is at.
Assuming you like muscular women, that is kind of pre-requisite.
Also it would help if you were a queer woman. There are a lot of men who frequen the bar, we met a 16 time customer on our way in, but the vibe feels pretty distinctly queer in at least a bisexual way.
HOW? WHAT? WHERE?
Ok so, it is driving pouring rain. You are soaked. You are power walking down a huge shopping street. You come to the end and find yourself in front of an unassuming business building. (This is how a lot of unexpectedly off beat Tokyo experiences start weirdly...)
There's one pink colourful sign on the list of businesses, it points you to the stairs to the basement.
You are worried you are late, but there is a line of people. You are worried they may be waiting to take your spot.
A vaguely familiar man with a shaved head turns around and without you saying anything says "Don't worry you're not late, there's always kind of a line up when the show is going to start." You say thanks, you were worried about your reservation. "No you're good, have you been before?" You reply no, this was high on your list on your honeymoon. "Congratulations. Oh you're going to have a great time. I've been here 16 times at this point and it's been amazing every time."
Then it hits you, you are pretty sure this guy's Google Review really stuck out to you when you were looking into the bar.
As you get to the door the girl, fittingly jacked, who is taking the QR codes says to him "Aww you're back it's going to be a great night!" They hug. "I saw you on the list, you get the twitch seat tonight." They shake hands like the Arnold Schwarzenegger meme. (No really they did.)
Oh did I forget to mention they stream their workdays and shows 6hrs every day?
(Pictured: Tomo)
The girl turns to you, says "4? Where are you from? Canada? Ok." She turns yells "Tomo!" And points to four stools by the door, motioning you over.
OK I AM SOLD, SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE SPECIFICALLY TALKING ABOUT HERE?
So this tiny basement bar is essentially one huge Izakaya style setup, so servers in the center, customers around the edge.
On one end is a small stage with a strip pole and a chest press machine. There is another pole in the center middle of the bar, there are bars on the ceiling (these turn out to be pull-up bars) and on the other end are the girls backstage / dressing room.
The entire surface of the bar is acrylic with led backlighting. The room is loaded with reactive LED lighting and lazer light show elements. The walls are bright pink.
In the middle of the bar there is a computer running a Twitch stream with a camera mounted next to it.
You are assigned a host, one of the muscle girls, ours was Tomo.
Tomo is awesome and speaks pretty great English. She is Japanese but has been living in the Philipenos. She is tastefully jacked, wearing wild circle contacts, and riddled with anime tattoos (FMA, Ghibli, Demon Slayer, etc.)
Next to her with another group is Miichan. She is skinny jacked and has like 20 facial piercings that look hot as fuck in that deeply ~queerdo~ way.
Your host will be getting your drinks, talking to you, doing activities with you, helping you get in request and upselling you on buying muscle dollars.
This is the internal currency of the bar, because drinks are all you can drink free with the cover you paid. These drinks come in enormous steins so that the girls can flex with them as they are delivered.
ACTIVITIES? REQUESTS?
There are certain core "show" moments, dance numbers and impressive feats of strength, some involving pole work, during the evening. A hallmark is the citrus squeeze, where all the hosts crush a large citrus fruit with their bare hands into a pitcher of booze and then serve it to you. But the rest is patron driven.
You can try your hand at the chest press at the start of the evening (if the line isn't too long). 50 reps with 100lbs for guys and 50lbs for galls will win you respect, cheers from the crowd and 10 muscle dollars.
After that come the activities.
- Many guys bought their friend a slap from the girls. Where one of these amazons cocks back and remoreslessly wrecks you.
- Some will get their friend slapped by ALL the girls, who will escalate the damage as you go down the line.
- You can have them do pushups on you.
So what did we do?
- Carlos, the brave souls he is, attempted the chest press.
- You bought him a "muscle injection" for his trouble. (Where you host kneels on the bar, cocks your head back onto their lap and squirts a syringe full of Whisky, Tequila, Protein or BCAA into their mouth)
- If you are a girl, your wife can pay to have you fireman carried by your host. Which they do with relative effortlessness. (Some redeems are only for women.)
- She can also pay to have you "Muscle Sandwiched" (also women only) where you pick two of the girls to サンドイッチ you from the back and front like you are a car in a carwash.
- You can also have your group take a family photo with all the girls.
OK... SO MUSCULAR HOOTERS?
See that is the thing that makes Muscle Girls Bar so different, is it's not. Because unlike those kinds of north american experiences, what happens at the bar feels completely within the girls discretion and comfort zone.
And because of the kind of clientele that would be into that kind of arrangement, the vibe is pure as fuck.
Like don't get me wrong, there is raunch. The muscle girls are parading around in *form fitting* outfits, two of them in thongs. The lust is part of it, they are getting you drunk of pitchers of "lime liquor" or mid tier beer. You stuff your muscle dollars under their clothes, a la a stripper, but they choose where you do that and how you do it.
The vibe is the girls are doing this to you, for you and that is the most interesting part.
Also maybe it's the subconscious knowledge that you have hundreds of people watching you on a livestream.
The whole thing just works y'know.
AND SO THAT IS THAT.
You had one of the best birthdays ever, with friends who live across your continent.
Then one of them gets recognized by a very drunk fan as you shuffle out of the bar in the rain. They ask for a selfie, your friend convinces them to take the selfie without umbrellas in the rain for the bit.
You all toddle off to the train and make your way home. A great end to their part in your journey.
And that was the end of day 2.
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